Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
