I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
