There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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