Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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