shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
