he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
