Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
