Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
