I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
