I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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