what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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