so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
