Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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