i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
