Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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