just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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