...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
