I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
