Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
