Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
