In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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