I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
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Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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