How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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