hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
