I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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