There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
