i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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