Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.