I can text with my tongue
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
