"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
