Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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