marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
