You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish you could order shots online.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.