So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I met the friendliest cop last night
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
