I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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