I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
