I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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