Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
