Your mouth is God's brothel.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
