if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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