it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
COCAINE IS GR8
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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