By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
