I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
