My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
