Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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