don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
