remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
