Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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