or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
