Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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