Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
