he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
