i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
