I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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