I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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