Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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